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I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear
when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up
when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur
BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food,
before or after they eat it.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will scootch my bottom along the grass
to rid myself of hangers-on,
before I come in the house.

I will not roll on dead stuff.

I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.

I will not eat other animals' poop.

I will not lick my human's face
after eating animal poop.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold,
wet nose up her bottom.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens,
'specially not the red ones,
or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on
having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear
of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

We do not have a doorbell.
  I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear
and dance all over the backyard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel.
Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand
when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license
and car registration.


If I like it, it's mine.

If it's in my mouth, it's mine.

If I can take it from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

If I saw it first, it's mine.

If you are playing with something and you put it down,
it automatically becomes mine.

If it's broken, it's yours.


Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both mark their territory.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

Neither does any dishes.

Both fart shamelessly.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither understands what you see in cats.


Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in  public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch
(and they never laugh at how you throw.)

You can train a dog.

Dogs are easy to buy for.

The worst social disease
you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is
rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you
can kill the one that gives it to you).

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.


If you stare at someone long enough,
eventually you'll get what you want.

Don't go out without ID.

Be direct with people;
let them know exactly how you feel
by piddling on their shoes.

Be aware of when to hold your tongue,
and when to use it.

Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

Always give people a friendly greeting.
A cold nose in the crotch is effective.

When you do something wrong, (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).

If it's not wet and sloppy,
it's not a real kiss.

What is a Dog?

Dogs lie around all day,
sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

They growl when they are not happy.

When you want to play, they want to play.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They are great at begging.

They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

They leave their toys everywhere.

They do disgusting things with their mouths
and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're little men in fur coats...


Doggie Quotes

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog,
but it won't buy the wag of his tail."


"The average dog is a nicer person
than the average person."

Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender,
your dog.
You are his life, his love, his leader.
He will be yours,
faithful and true,
to the last beat of his heart.
You owe it to him
to be worthy of such devotion."


"Things that upset a terrier may pass
virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."

Smiley Blanton